Manipulative Relationship..

This article is what I came across recently..
Although it's been long since I'm in denial of the facts but now things are hitting hard on me..
I feel like being in that very same relationship all over again...the one that left me with scars that can't be removed...
Same feeling of manipulation and parasitic characteristics is prevailing around me...
The feeling of being taken advantage of...
Being used..
Being stuck in a dark room with no way out..
And when I mention it,  it is said to hit them in heart... without realizing that,  this exactly is the thing one is doing constantly to me..
Things that are refused or avoided when they're demanded by me are readily accepted when asked by others...
sometimes in name of finances,
sometimes in name of elder's approval,
sometimes by delaying without justification...
I'm just so disappointed and pissed at the same time...
I'm only seen when either,
it comes to being their support system..
being understanding,
being going through a trial or bad time,
or whatever they're getting through...
but rest of the things and perks are coldly avoided in times of enjoying once the turmoil is over...
How mean and rude..
I'm again at the point where I'm seeing no more light, no more hopes in this...
I know and believe that I can provide better living to my children without being next to anyone... specially the ones who're selfish and inconsiderate of others after fulfilling their own needs..
Just waiting for these few weeks to pass so that I can close some chapters and move on to new ones..

Life is only when you're around!

It's been ages since I've written anything, especially about,
you, 
us, 
life
and myself...
But as promised...
I couldn't stop myself from writing about how I feel without you...
EMPTINESS!
this exactly is the most relatable word I can use to describe exactly how I'm feeling since you left...
Empty House...
Empty Room...
Empty Bedside...
and...
Empty me...
this feel of emptiness has prevailed my heart so deeply that I literally feel like being left
numb...
sad...
lost..
There's no fun in watching English Vinglish without you...
No taste in a chilled glass of coke...
No comfort in sleeping on whole bed without getting disturbed...
No happiness in seeing stupid stuff by Aysh...
Nothing interest me anymore...
Miss you bad... Like anything...
Miss getting irritated by your silly jokes...
Miss getting pampered with your calm warm hugs...
Miss your teasing ways of being around...
Miss every little thing about you...
about US...
come back to me soon my love...
Vj is empty without you...
May Allah SWT bless you with utmost success and prosper you in achieving your goal ameen...

P.S:
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING...
MISS YOU

You and Me!!

You and me, looking at the moon...
far but near, connected via phone...

all the suffered darkness, long agone..
the light at end of tunnel has finally shown..

Together we grew from two to three..
How lucky how happy how blessed to be..

my healer in an ongoing struggle..

Years before I used to enjoy the dialogue of Kareena in movie 'jab we met'..it was something that goes like;
'Smjh nhe ata kia kr rhe hun, kahn aa k phans gae hun, roz subha uth k sochti hun k aesa kia krn k ....n so on'
and much to my amazement I can relate it to my life since past few months..
I know it might seem offensive but sadly it is what it is...
I was miserable in judging people...n not surprisingly I still am...
Living a totally screwed life...where keeping things together is a constant struggle...
What I had wished for n where my fate has taken me...is this the destiny I always wanted?
No...I mean I'm serious, not at all...
At times it feels like being in a big boss house where you've to test ur patience and its limit with the last option of quitting n refusing to be there anymore...everyday is a struggle... everyone around change in blink of an eye...this is just not what I had imagined being here...
But...
right in the middle of this chaos, there is someone who keeps me sane...protects me..
*tries to*...supports me...n hold me tight till i let all my worries aside...its him...my terribly sarcastic yet intensively adorable betterhalf...
I just dont know at times, how to thank him enough to at least being with me...*not at my bad times though* ...but still...to his best...n this is the only thing that helps me continue...to keep going...to feel loved...blessed n beautiful :)

....all that left unsaid...

She was crying...her head was resting against the wall..her baby felt the sadness that had surrounded her mother n started crying...she at once forgot everything n took her in her arms..hugged her tight...n started patting on her back so as to comfort her...
Unaware of the world, the words started making sense all by themselves...she thought;
   'Kbhi kbhi dil dukhanay k leay choti se baat he bht hoti hai.. Sammy waly ko shayd andaza bhi nhe hota aur apka dil buri trha se toot jata haii.. bazahir ap khamosh rehty hain mgr ander se apka dil jesy kisi toofan ki lapait main hota hai, madad k leay cheekhna chahta hai mgr pukaray bhi tou kis ko k jisay pukarna chahta hai wohi tou is toofan ki waja hota hai...
Aur shayd aesy he kisi pal main aap Allah ko he apny sb se qareeb paty ho...aur sukoon ki talash main saza aur jaza ka ikhtiyaar usy sounp dety ho... aur ye sirf mera rab he hai jo apny dukhi, rotay bilakty banday ko torta nhe, usy mayoos nhe loutata.... us se mou mor k usky ansooun ko undekha nhe krta... bilkul ek maa ki trha... aur phir wo apny banday ko rahat se nawazta hai, usy us fusoon se nikal deta hai aur wahn lay jata hai jahn usy kisi cheez ya kisi insan k honay ya na honay se koi farq nhe parta...aur insan ander bahar se us bachy ki manind pursukoon hojata hai jesy wo apni maa ki goud main ho...'
She opened her heart to Him... felt better...n said to herself...'aur main shayd abhi Allah ki talash main he hun jo mje ab tk us k bandon aur us k raweaiyon se takleef hoti hai...'
.....
....

Special day ...

*28 Dec 15*

<before 2:30'p.m>

Sleeplessness was surrounding her...she was so concerned to get up n make all the necessary arrangements on time....had to clean room, look after her baby meanwhile manage to decorate room, arrange bookeh, bake cake, place gift where planned, take shower n get ready before he arrive..

Planned to cuddle him n cut cake n refresh the best moments while talking..decided to order his favorite food in dinner..n to have it with family...spreading love..it was their day ...she was so n excited...waiting impatiently for him...to celebrate...to rejoice...

<2:45 p.m>

He came n thanked..she tired to hug but he has to take shower...

<3:05 p.m>

Served n had leftover n tea

<3:30 p.m>

 Forgot about me, cutting cake, hug, started clicking photos

<4:15 p.m>

Started forwarding photos, chatting, browsing n rest

<5:10 p.m>

Put that uncut cake back in fridge, got ready n left to pick someone

<5:45 p.m>

Stopped by the store to replace the damaged piece with perfect one.. bought 'return the favor' gift.

<6:00 p.m>

Got back home. Asked her to try it..she tried n got awkward comments... someone forgot that they had choosed her on that exact body type so that can further alter her in every way possible..she changed n get into feeding the baby..

He preferred exercising over anything..

<7:00 p.m>

Done with workout. Ate noodles. Slept..

.........

 .......

...

.

<7:30 p.m>

Special day...

Not so special her..

Uncut cake ...

n her heart with so many cuts .......

damage that can't be undone!!

Is it worth it?

Its been weeks since she's so possessed by this strange feeling...
Feeling of losing herself..
It started with that day when she saw it for the very first time .. she was stunned with shame and agony at the same time. .
She can't decide is it anger or resentment that's instilling this strange repulsive feeling into her heart..
From where those demons have got into their lives...
Are they not good enough for each other??
Where all the love, attraction n crazy cravings are?
The romance n intimacy they used to feel is vanished..
She's confused...
She's angry..
She's resentful..
and yes most of all she's hurt..
The feeling of profound love that flows and fills her heart after they're done is lost..instead its hurt n anger that leaves her numb..
She feels like some garbage can where one comes to dispose the stuff off that grew coz of someone else..
This shouldn't be like this...
She wanted to get into his arms n say her heart out...she tried it many times...but every time it ends with same darn thing...
Its good for her to leave..
At least she will be far away from being treated like this...
Has nothing more to say..

Living with Solitariness!!

Have anyone ever come to realize lonesome loneliness right in the middle of a crowd? Felt like ur just so alone yet surrounded by so many people?
Well I did!
I believed to be with ones who are my very own...
my friend..
those who can read between lines..
trace down a tear behind my smile...
broken feelings hidden beneath fake laughs..
Huh so naive of me!
Missing my friends badly...
Its dark...like I'm left alone by my friends..or maybe I left them believing that I already have them around...my bad...my idiocy of taking fun buddies as friends...
Yes I was wrong in believing you as my friend...when ur just someone who used to be with me when you urself want..what about my want...my needs..my companionship...
Did you bother to notice that its been long since I have shared anything with you? Ever thought of my fears, my issues, my insecurities? What about my dreams, my idea of life, my wishes? Even once? No...
You're spending your life, ur time the way you like...where I only exist as a part of intimacy or for fulfilment of needs..
I feel like all I'm left with is my daughter..who at least listens to me.. her eyes reflects my tears, my emotions, my happiness...like its just her who has me, close to her...
I just am so hurt...so disappointed...so broken...
Don't know what else to write..

Depression: suppressed aggression!

You know what blows my mind and heart wide open on an almost daily basis?

Women can endure incredible amounts of disappointment and heartache and then go about their day with grace and dignity, softening the sharp edges of their various duties and drudgeries with a kind look or smile here, a tender touch or helping hand there.

Ignoring the fact of endurance of sex, pregnancy, labor, child care and household chores, their bodies being compared to those film actresses who're only and solely dedicated to work on their bodies at whatever it may cost. Leaving their minds in some inferiority complex like if they aren't pretty enough for their better half.

And no one knows. Or at least no one stops to think, that this woman, this woman right here in front of me, her heart is broken. Her dreams have been crushed. She has been confined. Caged. Handed an existence far, far smaller than she is.

Here she is, though, still standing tall. Still helping. Still healing. Still treating the world better than it has treated her.

How do people call us weak? How?

We are steel. Wrapped in silk.

Call me feminist, accept or reject but this is the truth behind any woman, or a victim of depression I say..