Rants by a lifeless heart...

Its more than a month now..she's been thinking about it all..what marriage actually is..what are its right n wrongs..n turns n bumps..ups n downs..she's trying to find out the rules needed to be followed..n the distractions must be avoided...but her mind got all blank..like her feelings..she's been wondering where they went wrong...where they lose the right path n got on some way leading to dead end...she tries hard to overlook things...things that hurt her..breaks her heart..but been failing to do so...she don't know since when she became like this..a lifeless soul..like some preprogrammed robotic device...press one button to see her smiling..try another to make her sad..ummm depress is more appropriate word here..switch this ON to let her do this..turn it OFF so she can do that..how monotonous n lifeless...she has learned to laugh at herself...at her life..take a bow girl..there was a time she never think twice before putting up for luxuries n now even for necessities..needed by everyone, she's made to literally beg for it..there was a time when anyone put their phone down on her face..she never..i say never return them the call..neither communicate them back..no one was allowed to disrespect or insult her..n now she's been humiliated directly in face n indirectly..ah life..she has spent a life like princess..full of fun..get togethers, outings, shoppings, hangouts, dine outs, long drives...aimless yet beautiful walks n whats not..no work worries..nothing..even in hard times it was fancy..she learned how to give importance to your family..how to put the ones you love before yourself..how to prioritize things..it may sound bitter but it is what it is..for him she gave up everything..every single thing that was her way of life..her lifestyle..everything she was used to..tried her best to mould herself..done her best..whatever she could at her max..compromise on herself..sacrifice on her way of living life.. n put up him n his family first..it was not easy..not at all..she never complained of it..as she believed that it will make a room in their heart..but isn't it too heart breaking that it all ended in vain..no one she done it for, saw that..no one noticed what she was n what she is now..because of them...still she was labeled mean, rude n selfish..funny enough ...ah...see what it all have done to her..she barely recognize herself..is she living?  She got no answer..then she realize if not being controlled like this, she won't be keeping promises...she'll become that rebellious free soul again..who won't be ready to bear anything wrong anymore..be it begging for necessities or taking stand for things which she thinks is right...n what if it all means to move on without him in it..n she know there will be no existence of him if she let herself be the one she used to be...he must be amused why..why not with him..he might not know her...the real her..who never put that person on her priority who've been treating her like a choice..who takes no drama..no accusations..no returns..no excuses...nothing...for her, what once over is over...better to cry out loud at once than doing it everyday..if the organ that's part of your body became poisonous, they cut it off without taking chance...no matter how bad it hurt..no matter how irreplaceable it was..they just cut it off..in order to survive..in order to re-live..n she believes on it..n for her princess she's not ready to let her little angel suffer anything...anything she don't deserve to be deprived of..n this makes her fearless..n she herself is afraid of it..