Rants by a lifeless heart...

Its more than a month now..she's been thinking about it all..what marriage actually is..what are its right n wrongs..n turns n bumps..ups n downs..she's trying to find out the rules needed to be followed..n the distractions must be avoided...but her mind got all blank..like her feelings..she's been wondering where they went wrong...where they lose the right path n got on some way leading to dead end...she tries hard to overlook things...things that hurt her..breaks her heart..but been failing to do so...she don't know since when she became like this..a lifeless soul..like some preprogrammed robotic device...press one button to see her smiling..try another to make her sad..ummm depress is more appropriate word here..switch this ON to let her do this..turn it OFF so she can do that..how monotonous n lifeless...she has learned to laugh at herself...at her life..take a bow girl..there was a time she never think twice before putting up for luxuries n now even for necessities..needed by everyone, she's made to literally beg for it..there was a time when anyone put their phone down on her face..she never..i say never return them the call..neither communicate them back..no one was allowed to disrespect or insult her..n now she's been humiliated directly in face n indirectly..ah life..she has spent a life like princess..full of fun..get togethers, outings, shoppings, hangouts, dine outs, long drives...aimless yet beautiful walks n whats not..no work worries..nothing..even in hard times it was fancy..she learned how to give importance to your family..how to put the ones you love before yourself..how to prioritize things..it may sound bitter but it is what it is..for him she gave up everything..every single thing that was her way of life..her lifestyle..everything she was used to..tried her best to mould herself..done her best..whatever she could at her max..compromise on herself..sacrifice on her way of living life.. n put up him n his family first..it was not easy..not at all..she never complained of it..as she believed that it will make a room in their heart..but isn't it too heart breaking that it all ended in vain..no one she done it for, saw that..no one noticed what she was n what she is now..because of them...still she was labeled mean, rude n selfish..funny enough ...ah...see what it all have done to her..she barely recognize herself..is she living?  She got no answer..then she realize if not being controlled like this, she won't be keeping promises...she'll become that rebellious free soul again..who won't be ready to bear anything wrong anymore..be it begging for necessities or taking stand for things which she thinks is right...n what if it all means to move on without him in it..n she know there will be no existence of him if she let herself be the one she used to be...he must be amused why..why not with him..he might not know her...the real her..who never put that person on her priority who've been treating her like a choice..who takes no drama..no accusations..no returns..no excuses...nothing...for her, what once over is over...better to cry out loud at once than doing it everyday..if the organ that's part of your body became poisonous, they cut it off without taking chance...no matter how bad it hurt..no matter how irreplaceable it was..they just cut it off..in order to survive..in order to re-live..n she believes on it..n for her princess she's not ready to let her little angel suffer anything...anything she don't deserve to be deprived of..n this makes her fearless..n she herself is afraid of it..

and a psychrophile fell in love with a heliophiliac..

He said he loves summer....
the idea of let the sun pour its light over oneself excites him...

the liveliness embraced by the clustered sound of clinging, chattering and noise energize him...
which is at its peak in summers...
he found winters depressing..saddening..n lifeless...
On the other hand she's crazy for winters..she found it amazingly beautiful...the beauty of coldness around her ignites the passion to feel his warmth in his arms..she thinks that winter is deep..it let you look into life...into people..into yourself...with peace...
But with each other they enjoy both..the summer is bright..n the winter is beauty..

You're that one person for me!!

Its been a year since you came into my life.. MaashaaAllah..through all the time I've spent with you.. I've learned a lot of things.. things that have changed my vision..my perspective.. I've learned that a great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together...It is when an imperfect couple learns to respect, to embrace n to enjoy their differences...
I've learned that what really matters is how someone treats you..in times of hopelessness I think of you n try to make a judgement..my heart wants me to stay with you..it signals me to be with you..it says that live your life with him..that he loves you.... that he respects you ...that he honors you.. that he is absolutely true to you.. that he gives you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents.. he is not going to be perfect...but if he is kind and thoughtful..if he knows how to work and earn a living..if he is honest and full of faith..the chances are you will not go wrong..the hope is that you will be immensely happy...n if I ask myself..I am happy...overwhelmingly happy..
I've learned that any monumental anniversary or birthday celebrations aren’t what ultimately determine the actual direction of our marriage...rather, it’s the here and now.. It’s those daily decisions we make individually and together that influence how our relationship actually fares in the long run.. I've learned that love is not what I used to think it is..instead its about finding the one person who makes your heart complete..who makes you a better person than you ever dreamed you could be..its about looking in the eyes of your partner and knowing all the way to your bones that he's simply the best person you've ever known...n SJ undoubtedly you're that one person for me..
I remember I didn't want to be married just to be married..I can't think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can't talk to, or worse, someone I can't be silent with...and than I married you..someone poles apart of my personality..yet helplessly adorable to fall in love with.. a friend..a partner.. a lover.. all I found in one.. n jana you're that one person for me..
..there were times when I've been so angry or so hurt that I thought my love would never recover...n I said it to you as well..but then, in the midst of near despair, something has happened beneath the surface...a bright little flashing fish of hope has flicked silver fins and the water is bright and suddenly I am returned to a state of immense love again — till next time lol.. I've learned that there will always be a next time..n that I will submerge in darkness and misery, but that I won't stay submerged..n each time something has been learned under the waters; something has been gained; and a new kind of love has grown..better n stronger than before..the best I can ask for is that this love, which has been built on countless failures, will continue to grow.. I can say no more than that this is mystery, and gift, and that somehow or other, through grace, our failures can be redeemed and blessed...with you I learned falling in love with same person over n over again..but every time with a different aspect of that person..n do I need to mention that you're that one person for me my love...
In short this one year with you was a rollercoaster ride...filled with edgy twists..pointed turns..still so much fun to ride..
As for upcoming years..it's not gonna be easy...it's going to be really hard..we're gonna have to work at this everyday...but I want to do that because I want you...I want all of you..together.. forever.. You and me... everyday...I love you so much meri jan