....all that left unsaid...

She was crying...her head was resting against the wall..her baby felt the sadness that had surrounded her mother n started crying...she at once forgot everything n took her in her arms..hugged her tight...n started patting on her back so as to comfort her...
Unaware of the world, the words started making sense all by themselves...she thought;
   'Kbhi kbhi dil dukhanay k leay choti se baat he bht hoti hai.. Sammy waly ko shayd andaza bhi nhe hota aur apka dil buri trha se toot jata haii.. bazahir ap khamosh rehty hain mgr ander se apka dil jesy kisi toofan ki lapait main hota hai, madad k leay cheekhna chahta hai mgr pukaray bhi tou kis ko k jisay pukarna chahta hai wohi tou is toofan ki waja hota hai...
Aur shayd aesy he kisi pal main aap Allah ko he apny sb se qareeb paty ho...aur sukoon ki talash main saza aur jaza ka ikhtiyaar usy sounp dety ho... aur ye sirf mera rab he hai jo apny dukhi, rotay bilakty banday ko torta nhe, usy mayoos nhe loutata.... us se mou mor k usky ansooun ko undekha nhe krta... bilkul ek maa ki trha... aur phir wo apny banday ko rahat se nawazta hai, usy us fusoon se nikal deta hai aur wahn lay jata hai jahn usy kisi cheez ya kisi insan k honay ya na honay se koi farq nhe parta...aur insan ander bahar se us bachy ki manind pursukoon hojata hai jesy wo apni maa ki goud main ho...'
She opened her heart to Him... felt better...n said to herself...'aur main shayd abhi Allah ki talash main he hun jo mje ab tk us k bandon aur us k raweaiyon se takleef hoti hai...'
.....
....

Special day ...

*28 Dec 15*

<before 2:30'p.m>

Sleeplessness was surrounding her...she was so concerned to get up n make all the necessary arrangements on time....had to clean room, look after her baby meanwhile manage to decorate room, arrange bookeh, bake cake, place gift where planned, take shower n get ready before he arrive..

Planned to cuddle him n cut cake n refresh the best moments while talking..decided to order his favorite food in dinner..n to have it with family...spreading love..it was their day ...she was so n excited...waiting impatiently for him...to celebrate...to rejoice...

<2:45 p.m>

He came n thanked..she tired to hug but he has to take shower...

<3:05 p.m>

Served n had leftover n tea

<3:30 p.m>

 Forgot about me, cutting cake, hug, started clicking photos

<4:15 p.m>

Started forwarding photos, chatting, browsing n rest

<5:10 p.m>

Put that uncut cake back in fridge, got ready n left to pick someone

<5:45 p.m>

Stopped by the store to replace the damaged piece with perfect one.. bought 'return the favor' gift.

<6:00 p.m>

Got back home. Asked her to try it..she tried n got awkward comments... someone forgot that they had choosed her on that exact body type so that can further alter her in every way possible..she changed n get into feeding the baby..

He preferred exercising over anything..

<7:00 p.m>

Done with workout. Ate noodles. Slept..

.........

 .......

...

.

<7:30 p.m>

Special day...

Not so special her..

Uncut cake ...

n her heart with so many cuts .......

damage that can't be undone!!

Is it worth it?

Its been weeks since she's so possessed by this strange feeling...
Feeling of losing herself..
It started with that day when she saw it for the very first time .. she was stunned with shame and agony at the same time. .
She can't decide is it anger or resentment that's instilling this strange repulsive feeling into her heart..
From where those demons have got into their lives...
Are they not good enough for each other??
Where all the love, attraction n crazy cravings are?
The romance n intimacy they used to feel is vanished..
She's confused...
She's angry..
She's resentful..
and yes most of all she's hurt..
The feeling of profound love that flows and fills her heart after they're done is lost..instead its hurt n anger that leaves her numb..
She feels like some garbage can where one comes to dispose the stuff off that grew coz of someone else..
This shouldn't be like this...
She wanted to get into his arms n say her heart out...she tried it many times...but every time it ends with same darn thing...
Its good for her to leave..
At least she will be far away from being treated like this...
Has nothing more to say..

Living with Solitariness!!

Have anyone ever come to realize lonesome loneliness right in the middle of a crowd? Felt like ur just so alone yet surrounded by so many people?
Well I did!
I believed to be with ones who are my very own...
my friend..
those who can read between lines..
trace down a tear behind my smile...
broken feelings hidden beneath fake laughs..
Huh so naive of me!
Missing my friends badly...
Its dark...like I'm left alone by my friends..or maybe I left them believing that I already have them around...my bad...my idiocy of taking fun buddies as friends...
Yes I was wrong in believing you as my friend...when ur just someone who used to be with me when you urself want..what about my want...my needs..my companionship...
Did you bother to notice that its been long since I have shared anything with you? Ever thought of my fears, my issues, my insecurities? What about my dreams, my idea of life, my wishes? Even once? No...
You're spending your life, ur time the way you like...where I only exist as a part of intimacy or for fulfilment of needs..
I feel like all I'm left with is my daughter..who at least listens to me.. her eyes reflects my tears, my emotions, my happiness...like its just her who has me, close to her...
I just am so hurt...so disappointed...so broken...
Don't know what else to write..

Depression: suppressed aggression!

You know what blows my mind and heart wide open on an almost daily basis?

Women can endure incredible amounts of disappointment and heartache and then go about their day with grace and dignity, softening the sharp edges of their various duties and drudgeries with a kind look or smile here, a tender touch or helping hand there.

Ignoring the fact of endurance of sex, pregnancy, labor, child care and household chores, their bodies being compared to those film actresses who're only and solely dedicated to work on their bodies at whatever it may cost. Leaving their minds in some inferiority complex like if they aren't pretty enough for their better half.

And no one knows. Or at least no one stops to think, that this woman, this woman right here in front of me, her heart is broken. Her dreams have been crushed. She has been confined. Caged. Handed an existence far, far smaller than she is.

Here she is, though, still standing tall. Still helping. Still healing. Still treating the world better than it has treated her.

How do people call us weak? How?

We are steel. Wrapped in silk.

Call me feminist, accept or reject but this is the truth behind any woman, or a victim of depression I say..

Rants by a lifeless heart...

Its more than a month now..she's been thinking about it all..what marriage actually is..what are its right n wrongs..n turns n bumps..ups n downs..she's trying to find out the rules needed to be followed..n the distractions must be avoided...but her mind got all blank..like her feelings..she's been wondering where they went wrong...where they lose the right path n got on some way leading to dead end...she tries hard to overlook things...things that hurt her..breaks her heart..but been failing to do so...she don't know since when she became like this..a lifeless soul..like some preprogrammed robotic device...press one button to see her smiling..try another to make her sad..ummm depress is more appropriate word here..switch this ON to let her do this..turn it OFF so she can do that..how monotonous n lifeless...she has learned to laugh at herself...at her life..take a bow girl..there was a time she never think twice before putting up for luxuries n now even for necessities..needed by everyone, she's made to literally beg for it..there was a time when anyone put their phone down on her face..she never..i say never return them the call..neither communicate them back..no one was allowed to disrespect or insult her..n now she's been humiliated directly in face n indirectly..ah life..she has spent a life like princess..full of fun..get togethers, outings, shoppings, hangouts, dine outs, long drives...aimless yet beautiful walks n whats not..no work worries..nothing..even in hard times it was fancy..she learned how to give importance to your family..how to put the ones you love before yourself..how to prioritize things..it may sound bitter but it is what it is..for him she gave up everything..every single thing that was her way of life..her lifestyle..everything she was used to..tried her best to mould herself..done her best..whatever she could at her max..compromise on herself..sacrifice on her way of living life.. n put up him n his family first..it was not easy..not at all..she never complained of it..as she believed that it will make a room in their heart..but isn't it too heart breaking that it all ended in vain..no one she done it for, saw that..no one noticed what she was n what she is now..because of them...still she was labeled mean, rude n selfish..funny enough ...ah...see what it all have done to her..she barely recognize herself..is she living?  She got no answer..then she realize if not being controlled like this, she won't be keeping promises...she'll become that rebellious free soul again..who won't be ready to bear anything wrong anymore..be it begging for necessities or taking stand for things which she thinks is right...n what if it all means to move on without him in it..n she know there will be no existence of him if she let herself be the one she used to be...he must be amused why..why not with him..he might not know her...the real her..who never put that person on her priority who've been treating her like a choice..who takes no drama..no accusations..no returns..no excuses...nothing...for her, what once over is over...better to cry out loud at once than doing it everyday..if the organ that's part of your body became poisonous, they cut it off without taking chance...no matter how bad it hurt..no matter how irreplaceable it was..they just cut it off..in order to survive..in order to re-live..n she believes on it..n for her princess she's not ready to let her little angel suffer anything...anything she don't deserve to be deprived of..n this makes her fearless..n she herself is afraid of it..

and a psychrophile fell in love with a heliophiliac..

He said he loves summer....
the idea of let the sun pour its light over oneself excites him...

the liveliness embraced by the clustered sound of clinging, chattering and noise energize him...
which is at its peak in summers...
he found winters depressing..saddening..n lifeless...
On the other hand she's crazy for winters..she found it amazingly beautiful...the beauty of coldness around her ignites the passion to feel his warmth in his arms..she thinks that winter is deep..it let you look into life...into people..into yourself...with peace...
But with each other they enjoy both..the summer is bright..n the winter is beauty..

You're that one person for me!!

Its been a year since you came into my life.. MaashaaAllah..through all the time I've spent with you.. I've learned a lot of things.. things that have changed my vision..my perspective.. I've learned that a great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together...It is when an imperfect couple learns to respect, to embrace n to enjoy their differences...
I've learned that what really matters is how someone treats you..in times of hopelessness I think of you n try to make a judgement..my heart wants me to stay with you..it signals me to be with you..it says that live your life with him..that he loves you.... that he respects you ...that he honors you.. that he is absolutely true to you.. that he gives you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents.. he is not going to be perfect...but if he is kind and thoughtful..if he knows how to work and earn a living..if he is honest and full of faith..the chances are you will not go wrong..the hope is that you will be immensely happy...n if I ask myself..I am happy...overwhelmingly happy..
I've learned that any monumental anniversary or birthday celebrations aren’t what ultimately determine the actual direction of our marriage...rather, it’s the here and now.. It’s those daily decisions we make individually and together that influence how our relationship actually fares in the long run.. I've learned that love is not what I used to think it is..instead its about finding the one person who makes your heart complete..who makes you a better person than you ever dreamed you could be..its about looking in the eyes of your partner and knowing all the way to your bones that he's simply the best person you've ever known...n SJ undoubtedly you're that one person for me..
I remember I didn't want to be married just to be married..I can't think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can't talk to, or worse, someone I can't be silent with...and than I married you..someone poles apart of my personality..yet helplessly adorable to fall in love with.. a friend..a partner.. a lover.. all I found in one.. n jana you're that one person for me..
..there were times when I've been so angry or so hurt that I thought my love would never recover...n I said it to you as well..but then, in the midst of near despair, something has happened beneath the surface...a bright little flashing fish of hope has flicked silver fins and the water is bright and suddenly I am returned to a state of immense love again — till next time lol.. I've learned that there will always be a next time..n that I will submerge in darkness and misery, but that I won't stay submerged..n each time something has been learned under the waters; something has been gained; and a new kind of love has grown..better n stronger than before..the best I can ask for is that this love, which has been built on countless failures, will continue to grow.. I can say no more than that this is mystery, and gift, and that somehow or other, through grace, our failures can be redeemed and blessed...with you I learned falling in love with same person over n over again..but every time with a different aspect of that person..n do I need to mention that you're that one person for me my love...
In short this one year with you was a rollercoaster ride...filled with edgy twists..pointed turns..still so much fun to ride..
As for upcoming years..it's not gonna be easy...it's going to be really hard..we're gonna have to work at this everyday...but I want to do that because I want you...I want all of you..together.. forever.. You and me... everyday...I love you so much meri jan

- death of the relationship -

I was tired of the people who pretend they care and are there for you,
but in reality,
they are behind your back..
talking about you and putting you down..
they change in a blink of an eye..
yours; one day and gone; the other day...
People are quick to find faults in others than facing their own...
perfect in pointing out others while shrugging their shoulders and freeing themselves from the responsibility they ought to carry..
I had learned life is better alone..
..in your own world..
just you and your heart..
exposed to less expectations, hurt, hypocrites, judgment and disappointment that way..
but then..
you came and made me believe in the goodness and trustworthiness of people..
Yes! I trusted you..
..so stupid of me...
i trusted you to value my feelings and know how I feel..
n you said you do understand and value them..
..you restored my faith..
but then,
you amazingly went right back around and betrayed all of the trust and respect I had..
left me stunned with the acceptance of the bitter truth..
..truth i had accepted long time ago..
truth about people and their hypocrisy..
truth about people and their double standards..
and turned me al numb and dead again!!