~ Mohabbat chorr di hum ne.. ~

Ye tum se keh diya kis ne ...,,,
K tum bin rah nahi saktay...,,,
Ye dukh hum sah nahi saktay...

Chalo hum maan laitay hain..
K Tum Bin.......
Hum adhoray hain..
Tum sang ho tou poray hain..

K Tum Bin.......
Hum buhat Roye....
kaii raton ko na soye....

Magar afsoos hai JANA...
K... ab k tum jo loto ge...
Humein Tabdeel Paoo Ge..
Buhat mayoos ho ge tum...

Agar tum poochna chaho k ...
Aisa kyn kiya hum ne.....
To .. sun lo goar se JANA...

PURANI IK RAWAYAT,
TANG AA KAR,
TORR DI HUM NE.....

MOHABBAT CHOR DI HUM NE....!!
MOHABBAT CHOR DI HUM NE....!!

Hurt n Anger

it really hurts when you assume and judge without knowing the whole story..do you seriously think it is okay to continue to hurt me? do you think I will continue to be there for them to get myself hurt? Well, everyone has a limit...i already am holding all the anger and emotions deep inside..n it just causes more pain when tolerance levels are already at their limit....my point is...if you can't do the justice then don't convince me to suffer more...not fair enough...people already has had my kindness mistaken for weakness..this is for the last time...anyone willing to challenge that, try me...you won't like the new me and I could care less!!!

~ thankful to Allah SWT for making you my better-half ~

I believed that only once in your life you find someone who can completely turn your world around...
I read somewhere;

...They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for...

and i feel lucky..
...so blessed...
...so obsessed...
with the feeling of having you to love,
lots of things to do with you
and..
endless love n happiness to hope for coz of you...
what a blessing it is... :)
Sj, I can tell you things that I’ve never shared with anyone ever...
coz i know u can absorb everything i say and actually want to hear more...
I share hopes for the future, our future...
my dreams that have never came true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at me...
sometimes in form of hurt feelings...
sometimes in form of mean people...
sometimes in form of something that never happened what i longed for so long...
still when something wonderful happens, i can’t wait to tell u about it, knowing u will share in my excitement...equally :)
I'm not embarrassed to cry with you when when I'm hurt...
neither laugh with you when i make a fool of myself... :D
never do u ever hurt my feelings or make me feel like i m not good enough for u...
but rather u build me up n show me the things about myself that make me feel special and even beautiful..
there is never any pressure, jealousy or resentment but only a quiet calmness, love n harmony when u r around...i find peace in ur arms...
i can be myself n not worry about what u will think of me because i know u love me for who i m...
the things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in our hearts to cherish forever...isn't it like being blessed?
nd when i share n talk non-stop about memories of my childhood..u listen..n make them so clear n vivid...it’s like being young again...restoring innocence n making myself belief in beauty of this world... colours seem brighter n more brilliant....
n when i m mad..u deal me with soooo overwhelming love n care tht laughter seems part of daily life once again where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all...
n when we r away ur phone call n texts during the day helps me to get through a long day n always brings a smile to my face...see how much u affect me even when not near :)
Jana in ur presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but i find quite content in just having u nearby...
things that never interested me before become fascinating because i know they r important to u who is so special to me...like thoracic empyema :p LOL
i think of u on every occasion n in everything i do....simple things bring u to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a cold breeze coming in through my room's window... :)
You make me open my heart knowing that there’s no chance it can be broken by u n in opening my heart, i experience a love and joy that i never...ever... dreamed possible....
i find strength in knowing i have u at my back...my soul mate who..i trust..will remain loyal to the end... and Sj...
my life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile coz of having u in it..
n my only hope n surety of having this same beautiful life forever is in knowing that u are a part of my life...

P.S:
I LOVE YOU SJ!!

A bad day!

I saw a bad dream yesterday...a worst one...seeing you going away
...watching myself leaving you far...far away...n i got up so horrified...checked my mobile n ur text reflects something similar to tht dream...something least expected...but it happened...tht made me cry..mummy asked over n over again n al i could say to her was..nothing just a bad dream...seeing coming it true..i sooo wanted to talk to you lately but tht thing kept me from getting back to you...later at night i found myself not being able to resist the urge of hearing ur voice, ur soothing voice, anymore ...wanted to talk to you..to assure if everything if okay n not like the one i had seen..but u didn't let it happen...at morning i tried it again n got the same response...n now..m devastated..sooo angry at myself..at you..at this tingling feeling of being distant...angry at everything...

~ Bittersweet Bondings ~

They fight, 
they argue, 
they disagree, 
they get angry...
yet deeply n madly in love with each other...

Having personalities, poles apart...
he likes pista, she dies for chocolate flavor..
he is a scheduled person while she is the free soul...
he enjoy daylight whereas she is nocturnal spirit...
yet unconditionally irrevocably in love...

coz they know...
Love is not dim and blind...
but so far-seeing that it can glimpse around corners,
around bends and twists and illusion; 
and instead of overlooking faults,
love sees through them to the secret yet beautiful inside..

Life like a heaven!

She never had imagined that the life with him will be so fascinating yet blissful...
days as exciting as holidays,
while..
nights as lively as new years' nights...
evenings so enchanting that they cast the spells of their countryside romance into every single thing...
be it a routine drive or daily grocery purchase...
sleepless nights with living dreams,
or sleepiness with arms in arms...
everything has its own charm..
its own charisma...
and its all coz of her angel...
her prince..
her soulmate...
her husband..
her Sj..
she never got run out of words before..
but now it happens every other time...
unable to express,
the love..he have given her...
the gratitude...he shows that leave her breathless..
the happiness...he has exposed her to..
the peace..she gets in his arms..
n the wholeness of herself...
As love and thanks seems to have fraction of intensity..
with which she want to tell him..
but all she can express is by saying...
I love you Sj, you completes me and thank you for being my better half :)

~ Pre-Wedding Intuitions ~

Just few moments before she was the happiest bride to be..but after reading a note she's al numb to the feelings and happenings around..have a lot to say..but was right on the fact that things should better left unsaid...so all I wana say is: 'I wish ur real world be as beautiful as ur imaginary one coz I know how it breaks one when all u get is illusions instead of reality'
Love you!

~ tasting helplessness ~

They say coz you're once into the situation that has stamped you with degradation...
is why you'll always taste bitter rejection ahead...
the feeling of helplessness is possessing her...
all entrapped by the fear of her nightmares coming alive...
all paralyzed...
forsaken and forlorn ...
handcuffed and blindfolded at the median with thorns...
walking without knowing where she'll fall...
as both sides are pulling her towards it...
both sides making her go sick and used..
but she don't care...
she's not scared as she has been here once...
long long ago...
that time she lost just herself..
but if it goes like this for long...
she'll lose her heart...her soul...herself...
forever!

~ a diary from 05-05-14 ~

finally...
i'm officially Maria Umer :)
this is so emotional yet pleasant...
and my permanent address shifted to urs...
i actually wanted them to write 'in Sj's heart' at the permanent address column but they can never understand the depth in it :)
but most importantly..
i saw you after soooo many days...
it was so refreshing...
so rejuvenating...
so warming...
yet seductive in its weird way ;)
you looked tired, yet attractive...it was hard to resist you with so many people around...
ur cute ways of saying...'dump me if u want to but i'll still love u always' was creating some melting effect and leaving a deep impact on my nerves...
making me want to hold you and tell you...
dear love i'll never dump you or leave you or push ypu or knock you down...
ur my crown and mean to be placed proudly on my head...
i'll prefer to break my self down just to keep you high...
the day i said 'i do'...i knew...that...from now and on...
ur respect is my respect...
ur honour is my honour...
ur name is now mine too...
ur home is mine as well...
and so does ur heart,love and soul :)
love ya my honey bunch xoxo :*

~ I don't know you yet I know you ~

Dear Love,

I don't know you...
but it seems perfect..
n everything is good..when we are both together...
i feel you are my home...i found the peace I have been longing all my life for...
I'm always excited to see you...
never bored of our talks..our songs...
always loving your smile...your kind eyes...
humble n gentle ways of dealing with me...
loving tone of assuring me ur love..ur sincerity...ur faithfulness...
ahh that always left my heart touched n filled with love...
Yeah like I said I don't know you...but it seems fine...
n everything is good...when I'm with you...
i feel you're my comfort zone...
the soothing place where I can be myself...the kind of love I was looking for...
n i found myself always running to you..in good n in bad...
never lonely when we are together...
always loving each other...n feeling loved in return...
And I don't know you...
but wherever you find yourself at the point of not knowing anything, I want you to know that I'm grateful to Allah SWT for you...
i accept you in your totality..as I found you beautiful..y
ou shine bright..searing like a morning star...
And I don't know you...but I love every part of you...
even those aspects of you that you doubt and those you wana keep in dark...
And I don't know you...
but I love that we're synchronized with the fabric of these words and letters I write for you...n you for me...
And I don't know you...but every mark and scar on your body...
every trauma etched into your soul make me vibrate with love towards you...
you radiate aliveness in me...through every misplaced hair and casually natural ways of yours...
And I don't know you...but I love you coz you're the light that brighten me..
those eyes, the mirror of my own existence...knowing I'm loved too..
heart to heart..
soul to soul..
And when I say I don't know you it defines how negligent you're for yourself...
You don't even know yourself...
cz u don't see yourself in the same light as I see you in...
the same light that shows ur kalon..n every part of you that I've grown so fondly of!!!

With love,
From your Love :)

~ Brewed at Madrugada ~

It's been more than a week now..
I'm not me anymore...
This feeling, this titillation, this experience is al new...
al strange...
beautiful at one end while tragic at other...whereas bittersweet at rest of the times...
the realization of losing myself is disturbing...giving in submission of someone is scary...
resulting in qualm and  reluctance..
uneasiness that what if it all won't be the same as I've always wondered...
uncertainty that what if I won't be able to fit in that puzzle to complete the picture..
fear that what if I will get fail in fulfilling their expectations..
n more importantly waking up everyday knowing I'm not going to see my mom dad n bhai's face...
this is skeptical n disheartening...
But on the other hand..the dream of being with you forever is pretty tantalizing..
the enticing thoughts of having my own family..accompanied by little feets joining us is undoubtedly alluring..
with surety that it will be your n our angel's face I'll be starting my day with...
And in between all my life flahes at the back of my mind like my mind is playing some trick of rewinding a movie and playing it on n off..bittersweet reminiscences!!
The big day is getting near n near...making me more happy...more sad...more concerned..
so I'm learning at my best.. saying goodbye to everything with the hope of never regretting on doing so..
taking all the love n memories...leaving all the fears n worries behind...
May Allah SWT be with us...today n everyday!

~ you're the only one who matters ~

Since the beginning till over the months...
I never had thought that some day I actually will have to make things clear..
clear that those things, people and longing remains no more...

I no more long for those same things...same places...same ideology for life...and same person...

completely...irreversibly...irresistibly...just over...

and now its only you Sj who's circulating in my blood...

pumping in my heart...

my very basic necessity...like oxygen...or maybe more than that...
my destined soulmate..

ONLY you...

whom i crave for...look for...long for...and wish to be with for...

even if...if ever...i'm given the chance to choose anyone for standing next to with...without giving it a single thought i'll hold your hand Sj...
my heart...my soul...my life...my thoughts...my dreams...my prayers.. no longer belong to anyone except you...

and i just can't tell you how hurtful is this to assure you that its only you now....and will be only you forever...

whatever resides in my past will always be there...i just can't erase it...despite of wanting to remove it all...its with me...

thats what made me today who i am...

i wish...anyone have invented anything to erase memories...to eradicate past...but trust me its just there...in past....have nothing to do with present or future...
I just dont know how to assure you this...i don't have the ability to cut my heart open to you so that you can see what you mean to me...what ur existence really is for me...and its only you who matters now...

all i can say is...
trust me!

~ inexpressible expressions ~

Every other reader of my pieces appreciate the way i express myself...
some label me with 'talented'..
some tag with lucky...
while rest call me being blessed...
but this ability of expression have never satisfied me...
in fact it always have left me thirsty...
the thirst for writing more...
the urge for getting every single feel out of me...
and it never happened!
i always found myself looking for words...the meaningful words...
looking for the vocab that have that same intensity of sentiments..
searching phrases with that same passion...which can set the soul on fire...in the similar manner that its feel can...
striving to have those exact words available that can depict the true essence of every feel...
and it never happened!
I wish i can ever write it all that beautifully..how ur eyes shine in the morning...
and the way ur eyes lit mine upon contact..when you're tired due to being post-call...
or the feeling you gave me when you hold my hand..
and it never happened!
I wish i can write about how much you mean to me...
I've been looking for you all my life...now that I've found you, it seems to perfect to be true....
but none have created those words that can express it all...
and it never happened!
sometimes i wish to have the skills to write about all the things that have their strong imprint on my soul..
I wonder if i can express every minute of detail i feel when you're around...
how you make me comfortable with you...so that i can share anything like a friend...
and it never happened!
I wish to write the expressions on your face when I'm sad...like its not me but you yourself is in pain...
and how it make me forget everything and to fall in love with you again...
I wish to be talented enough to say with the same thunder like jolting energy..
and it never happened!
all i'm juggling again is with these words...seems so small w.r.t the feelings i've...
You're my reason for happiness...
You changed me for the better....I can never forget how you took away all my pain....
Just be with me....I love you!

~ obsessive bold strokes ~

Dressed in satin red
The gown; strapless
Him in black suit
Looking delightfully cute
He hold her firmly
His hand cupped in hers
With the other
Caressing her back
As they dance
On the wooden deck; creaks.
Under the moonlit spotlight
And a blanket of velvet shimmer
That covers them
Till dawn
Sensuality all drawn
And then he kissed her
With such immensity that drove her insane
Her mouth gaped open; the way he felt her pain
It was perfection that lasted only for seconds.
How he held her, her weight evaporating beneath his skin
He sucked her dry, kissed her down to her chin.
She fit into him like hand to glove
What could it be, if not love?

~ no room for tear when you're near ~

he asked her:
'can i ask you something my love?'
she replied with a nod..
'sure..'
with the most caring, concerned and touching tone, one may die for, he asked..
'dear'..he paused...'do you still cry at night?'
her eyes lighten up at an instant..and she subtly replied..
'not at all...its all gone...far gone..'
she heard him getting his jammed breath out..like a sound of relief..
'sure?' he confirmed..
she could feel the love for her in his voice..she delightfully replied..
'rock sure...'
she closed her eyes for a moment and continued...
'and its all coz of you sweetheart...no medicine cures what love cannot...and you've cured me well..have lighten up every dark part of me..have taken away all the pain...and transformed all my tears into bright smiles...'
he whispered..
'Alhamdulillah'
she joined his voice..
'yes..Alhamdulillah! '

~ momentous evolutions ~

moments...
good or bad..
at times they leave a deeper impact on us...
leave us weak, numb, blank, shocked and lost behind..
so does she was...
weak for being unable to bear it with courage and pride...
numb as she didn't know how to react...or it was like a pain shock-wave that took all her senses away...
blank in a sense that her mind start triggering endless thoughts...things...all variates with each other in a subtle manner...she didn't know what to say...got stuck with making one single decision regarding which one is necessary to express and which is better left unsaid...
and...
shocked on the way she ignored the ongoing protest by her body...those tears...rolling down her cheek...shortening of breath...that feeling of suffocation...that fastening  pace of her pumping heart...making her sweat like she's been running hard and fast for miles...since ages...
lost on the fact that she actually had accepted that helplessness...
helplessness in the way her tongue got glued..like its been immobile forever...like it never ever have uttered a single word...
helplessness with the stinging feeling in her body...like someone have knocked you down over the bed of sharp pointed thorns..
helplessness for being so bound...bound by the unseen chains of wisdom, peace, respect and compromise...
oh this clever compromise thing...
i've been wrong...wrong with underestimating the ones who claim this new phase of life as a second name of compromise...
with sinking feeling...lost mind...and devastated heart..i accept this...
i am shown to the essence of wholesomeness of this...
another name of compromise...
it indeed is...
or was it possible that i'm listening something about him and unable to defend or protect...never!
i've never ever allowed anyone to surpass that barrier..regardless of my tolerance for things beyond it..
and i've again surprised myself...
she recalled the day of her first unpredictable reaction infront of her childhood love...when she stood for other half of her soul...
for her it was more about owning her half-soul with that defending thing...she remember the way she made it clear that in no possible way she's gonna allow anyone to say or improvise anything about him...that was the first time she had taken stand for her half-soul against her childhood love...
she can never forget that face...the expressions on it...those elderly eyes filled with love and tears for her...surrendering to her emotional side of personality...making commitment and accepting it with love and pride...
and then its now...
now when she's just unable to look in mirror...afraid of looking back at herself...
like she has done an irreparable damage to herself...
how come she can be so unjust with it?
why can't she have taken stand for her childhood love in that exact manner that she had done against him?
and that moment is far gone...but..left her with taunting questions and riots in her soul...
all she's trying to do now, is to assure herself..it has not happened...trying to forget it like some nightmare...
she said to herself...this in not me...as she barely can recognize her...
and she know this is not her...or maybe she's not same anymore!

~ my destined soulmate ~

I never believed in the idea of soul mates...
falling in love with someone at their first sight...
the sight of one that can make you go ga ga..
make ur heart skipping the beats...
lighten sparkles in ur eyes..
give you butterflies in stomach...
swift you off your feet and leaves you breathless...
for me this never does exist...
and then i met someone...
and started believing in it...felt like whats being in love is like...but it all ended up in smoke..leaving me behind with pain, burns, hurt and deep cuts...i was closed again...with all the broken pieces of my heart guarded by walls and my injured soul hidden beneath the sheaths of pain....
i stopped believing in the existence of soul-mates...coz for me soulmate became the one who leave ur soul dead...
but then...my destiny brought u in my life...with those kind healing eyes...a true reflection of ur pure soul...
one able to look into mine and make everything right...
and see here i am...
I am beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who is exactly that heal-fully magical for you...ur actual, real n destined soulmate..
not because they're perfect, or because u are...
but because ur combined flaws and pieces u lack..get arrange in a way that allow two separate beings to hinge together...for forever...
this whole is making sense to me now...
its you making me understand it..
and everytime i see u..i fall in love with u..
head over heels and all over again...madly and unconditionally..
u glitter my eyes with the shine...the reflection of ur love...
u make my heart beat faster than ever,,,
make me feel like i'm flying or floating...but in no way possible my feet remains on ground...
all illusions, delusions, hallucinations, dreams, day dreams...they all have started to occur...
and this love is not blind...it can see...
the real u...
the one behind ur pure kind eyes...
ur soul...
and..
leaving me love u more...
the more i'm knowing u...the more i'm believing in authenticity of the concept behind existence of soulmate...
like...
like its giving me signals...
signals to accept that u are somehow getting connected to my soul..
and i believe now...
Allah have made us in pairs..
and the way my soul get paired with yours can totally and undoubtedly declares that...
you're my soulmate!

~ never fall prey to regret ~

Every other one want to believe that existence of endless love is possible...but only few know that love is rare...
similar to any myth..i.e. kinda unpredictable just like life..
when, where and in whome you find it..none knows..
It took turns that people couldn't foresee or even understand and end up with leaving a long trail of regret in its wake...
and nearly always, those regrets gave rise to numerous 'what if' questions that could never be answered...
coz you weren't just someone who was loved back then...in fact you might be their best friend, their best self, their reason for living..crucial like an oxygen to them..and they can't imagine giving that up ever...
but once you left and made a pet out of them..they might had suffocated...choked...nearly died on what you gave them..
you might not understand, but they had given you their best and after you left...if they somehow managed to survive..then be aware nothing will ever remain the same..
be aware love never dies a natural death...It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source..we don't know how to keep going in harmony...and the saddest part is...we don't even bother to take care of its loss..
It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals...it dies of illness and wounds we give each other other the period of time..it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings...but it dies coz of us..we brutally kill it..
in short, its sort of 'once gone, gone forever, phenomena..although people leave all the time...yet as per my understanding love is a lot more fragile than we actually think....
so one should treat their beloved in a way that leaves no regrets...
treat them with love..fairly, and if possible, sincerely...
It's too easy not to make the effort in time, then weep and wring your hands after the person left....and afterwards we start seeing our sins reflected everywhere: in the pallor of our intimates’ faces, in the scratching of tree branches against windows, in the strange movements of everyday objects...these may be messages from God or tricks of the eye, but in neither case are we permitted to ignore them..but to sink deep down in our sea of guilt...regretting for letting it happen...
regrets are futile...a distraction from everything you do to keep going with it... a cruel trickery of the mind to keep you sane to bear the pain..an impotent but consistent raging against something that cannot be changed in any possible way...yet one of the most difficult things to think about in life...
something that happened to you, and you had done the wrong thing in return,,,and for years afterward you wish you had done something different...something better...something that haven't left you where you are now......remember regrets are immortal..they never die unless you give ur life up...
still, the sun is as hot as the one who get over things...and still, life had a way of adding day to day...to make you realize in order to avoid repeating it...
so...go...
go on with life..
listen to ur heart...and never..i repeat.. never let urself fall prey to the haunt of regrets...
live to love...and you shall be saved by God from the pain..
i bet!!

~ Zindagi aur Muhabbat ~

thehry paanion ki trha khamooshi se chalti hue zindagi..
kbhi kbhi ek aesa mor leti hai k hum hairan reh jaty hain...
jesy mausam apni mizaaj badaly aur usi thehry hue pani main lehroon ki halchal hojae..
bilkul wesy he..ek unexpected...unpredicted sa turn..
jo hmny apny khuwab o khayal main bhi nhe socha hota...
aur hum us certain point per hairan ho kr sochty hain k..aray ye kia hogya..
andazay lganay lgty hain k ye jo bhi hua hai iska result kesa hoga...
or phir hazar andaishoon aur waswasoon main ghiray rehny k bawajood wo naya moor humain apna bana he dalta hai...
ek ek kr k her guzarty lamhy k sath her andaisha, khoof aur wehm kahen gum hony lgta hai...
zindagi ki khoobsurti per phir se yaqeen hony lgta hai...
her subha phir se naye zindagi ka aghaaz aur her raat saray dukhoon ka ikhtitaam lagta hai...
be sabab labon per muskaan se theher jati hai..
aur hawa ki sursarahat bhi jesy koi mouseeqi se sunany lgti hai...
bila waja he hum gungunany lgty hain...
ankhon main sitaray baseera kr lety hain...
hum khud se sawal krty hain k aesy bhi hoga kab kisny socha tha...
ujra hua dill phir se bahar ki amad ka pata denay lgta hai...
banjar jazboon per naye rutoon ki konpalain phootnay lgti hain..
kisi ki khushbu jesy saans k aas pass rehny lgti hai..
kisi ki chamakti ankhain kali se kali raat ko bhi roshan krny lgty hain...
jazbay lutata lehja kaanon main ras ghoolta hua dil main utarny lgta hai...
aur zindagi bhaar sath nibhany k waaday phir se usi bejaan wujood main ek naye zindagi bharny lgty hain...
usky atay he jesy her cheez pas e parda chali jati hai...
jesy spotlight party he baki sb andhairy main chup jata hai...
aur waqae background main violen bajnay lgta hai...
aur bus wohi ek insan apka sub kuch hojata hai...
hamdard...
saathi...
dost...
humsafar..
aur mohabbat!!

~.the yugenic razbliuto ~

Nothing more or less to write...
as..
nothing making sense...
nothing getting right...
yet...
nothing seems wrong..
The reminiscences of the elapsed happenings and the feeling of deja vu collectively casting its exorcism on her...
trying their best on conjuring the deadly fears by bringing back the sillage innervation...and made her go all lost...
and...defeated...once again!
her sadness that can be seen in her eyes behind the stars she put to light up the darkest, loneliest and scariest dreams...somewhat like a holocaust...or a never ending deadly black holes ..
like it is throwing the brick of fact on her face, where the bruises still hidden behind the happy go lucky mask...and making it more prone to bleed again..
with the acceptance of her pain...
that...over the period all her consistent attempts of fending them off are constantly ending in vain..
she had nothing to regret but the tacenda...
and for once she wish to revert it all...
in order to make it all right...
she wants to yell...to shout...to kill or get killed...but never to forgive....
and they said forgiveness made you light...she remembered reading it somewhere...
lie...its a lie...it can never made you light...
instead leave you burdened with all the pain and anger you decided to drown deep down in ur heart...
with the tingling prickling insane waves of pain...
knowing that the foundational brick once made to build home is now in use of sinking her body beneath the countless layers of the worldly earthly sea..
and all she can do now is an attempt...
to escape...
to ignore...
to overlook..
and to overcome...
will this work?
she don't know coz till now it haven't worked...
any other way out?
she wonders...pray?
yes i should pray...she know where to run to...to hide in...to seek peace at...
and she is again hopeful that one day she will be able to let go of all the fears..all the pain she keeps inside her...and that day she will be ready to believe in the existence of forever again!!

~ pictorial dedication for you ;) ~

~ you're with me... ~

she was hardly controlling her laugh...and shouting;

'nooooooooooooo'
he smiled and asked;
'why?'
'cozzzzz...i'm no more a slab of ice around you...and u know it'
she giggled..
'i know...so what'
his kind eyes had the spark...and she surrendered..she turned back to face him...
and there was nothing...
ohhhh..so i was day dreaming...
'umm hmm don't do this...this is affecting me'
she heard her own voice..
'argghh lemme work plxx'
she was stunned with the living illusion around her..
'hey...ur constantly distracting me...if you'll keep on doing this...how in the world will i be able to finish this hmm?'
his vision was so damn real...her scent...that heart melting gaze...everything was alive..
'plx just let me get done with this then i'll get back to you with all my concentration'
she insisted but he ignored it and keep on doing what he was indulged in...
her phone buzzed and again she realized it was his vision around her...
she looked around and found him everywhere...
on the gate...
in the kitchen...
resting his hand on the slab right in corner of kitchen..
sitting on bed wearing his shoes..
wandering aimlessly in sitting area while waiting for her to get ready...
waiting for her to be seated on dining table...
relaxing on sofa...
she is completely possessed by him...
label it with whatever tag...she's not bothered...
call it illusion, delusion, hallucination or vision...she's not concerned...
all she care for...crave for...is him..
all she's obsessed with..possessed with...is him...
he's with her...
beside her...
behind her...
around her..
in front of her...
here...there...everywhere..its him..
and she want him to be with her...
today and everyday!!!

~ Terror-stricken over Nightmares ~

Don't leave please....she was begging...
imploring him to let her stay with him...
she was holding the door...he was closing hard..
she held the door tightly with her fingers...
crying...
shivering...
the thought was making her furious...
was afraid of not being with him...
but...
he was a stone-heart...
all numb towards her pleading...
pushing the door hard...
grinding her fingers between the door and wall...
the fingers he used to praise...
and..
and he atrociously knocked her...
his barbarous acts were unfamiliar to her...
still she was somehow hopeful..
looking for his well known charming signs...
and they were no where...
she felt like a fish...a fish on land...with no water around..
tasting death...drop by drop...
asking her ruthless partner to save her...
and he closed the door...
now she can see the blood flowing out of her jarred fingers...
and before closing her eyes permanently..
all she remember was hearing his loud devilish shriek...
......
she woke up with the shock...
all sweating badly...
gasping...
her breath was shortened as she has been running long...chasing or being chased...she don't exactly know...
and she shouted...
'free me....free me from all these nightmares....free me...'
and let me happy for once and for all...
i'm happy...
don't snatch it from me...
'just free me! '

~ sphallolalia grâce à oneirataxia ~

its been two hours n i'm feeling as helpless as dumb..

completely alexithymiac...

i'm so lost...

lost in you...

lost the ability to duende...

to express..

how in the world will i ever be able to get over this feeling...

this phenomena of drinking your aura...drop by drop...

tasting ur persona...bite by bite...

but...

leaving my soul more thirsty...more hungry...more devastated...every single time...

this feeling...aaahhh....this cant be dressed with words...

its natural...blunt... n basic nakedness is its power...

power to cast spell...n leave one hypnotized..

and if i'm given the power to speak exactly how you make me feel.....i'm afraid i'll be taken as fabulist...

but this cannot change the truth....not at all...not even a fraction of it...

and all i want now is to lose my sanity to you...

want you to hold my hand and take me to a faraway land...

where we can have our happily ever after...

no more empty returns...no more detachments...no more bounded apart-ness..

does this make sense to anyone? i guess No...

do i care? obviously No...

all i know now is letting it all flowing out...

like a stream...

making its own...pattern-less way...to its destination..you!

....untitled....

Mohabbat Farz Jaisi Hai, Nibhaana Seekh Jaaoge..

Dilon Pe Qarz Jaisi Hai, Chukaana Seekh Jaaoge..

Labon Pe Phool Jaisi Hai, Khilaana Seekh Jaaoge..

Nazar Mein Aag Jaisi Hai, Lagaana Seekh Jaaoge..

Tum Tak Faasla Jo Hai, Mitaana Seekh Jaaoge..

Kabhi Jo Dil Mein Aa Beithe, Zamaana Bhool Jaaoge …!

~ the reason i like Bob Marley ~

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there....
Similarly, he’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you....”

― Bob Marley

and I found mine!!

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around...
You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more....
You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you....
When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement....
They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself....
Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful....
There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around...
You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are...
The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever....
Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again....
Colours seem brighter and more brilliant...
Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all....
A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face....
In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby....
Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you....
You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do....
Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon....
You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible....
You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you....
You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end....
Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile....
Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life....
and all this is written to tell you,
if you ever find someone like this....never let them go...
and i'm blessed enough to write this with shivering hands and tears in my eyes...
i found mine!!!

~ the charisma of redamancy ~

she's growing incalescent n getting lovesick...

and so does he is affected to do...

like she's born to love and live while learn n give..

she loves being a rebellious soul..

free from the social chains..haunted past..n a unknown future..

there's nothing she care about..

all she care for, is her present with him...

the present filled with the presence of love, blessings and happiness..

she tell him...LIVE!! just live...

live like there's no tomorrow..like there was no yesterday..

live with the faith that there's only today...

today to joy...today to love...today to learn...today to grow...and today to make it a better yesterday for a livelier tomorrow...

and she's teaching him, her carefree ways of ruling the world...not with the head but with the hearts..

showing him what living like a gypsy mind is...with having a plan to make no plan at all..but to discover ownself..

and she preaches 'going with the flow has perks of its own...you need not to worry about how its gonna work...how it will turn out...how its going to affect you...or till how far it can actually keep you happy...what you've to do is...to go with the flow...to let yourself get drowned in the whirlpool of unexpected happenings...or let your thoughts fly aimlessly in the swirling cyclones of consecutive life bringings...'

This is what its all about...to emit love and receive in return...like a sonar...that throws the sound and get it back once repelled..

this is what she has ought to act as for the rest of her life..

as this seems the perfect roadmap for a flourishing and cherished life to spend with him..n till now it has worked as a charm for them...or as she put it 'a good luck charm'...and they know it right deep in their hearts...this is their love story...one never told or heard...but one worth living for!!!

~ untitled echoes ~

The fragrance of 'if only' was in the air..

and I was sitting there, again reading those lovely quotations...

laughing on few of them..as well as recalling the ones i had read somewhere too..

they al were making connections..individually yet collectively..and each of them fits perfectly on us...

like...

they say love is about taking risks together and staying strong for one another even if things don’t turn out as good as planned..this is what I've planned to do...taking risks for you...with you.. 

I've read in some philosophical trivia that love cures people – Both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it..m so amazed to knw how true it is..i'm healed..my drug MUS-cinguloman effectively affected me...made me all good...n keeps on making it work over n over again...coz the more and more I spend time with you, the more and more I realize I am doing the one thing I told myself I would never do again and that’s falling in love...

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends..hmmm thts why the middle cushion of the sofa in drawing room is the only place we sit..

Years back while watching last scene of rehna hai tery dil main..where diya says, something similar to this, to maddy..tm gadhy ho mgr phir bhi main tmsy pyaar krti hon..i imagined..he might say someday to me 'You’re weird, obnoxious, crazy and a complete idiot. But you know what? I still love you'...and I'll tell him 'yeah i know how crazy i am but even my stupid conversations make sense when you are the one I'm  talking to'...

And it was written in a novel..There are 4 steps to happiness:

1.You, 2. Me, 3. Our Hearts, 4. Together!

..and i want to add forever in it...Sj n Vj together forever ;) 

In some novel the hero said to heroine..

'when you look at sky your eyes reflects and shine like stars'

..ummm..well in my version of story..I don't need the stars to make my night shine, all I need is your eyes...to stare in mine and make them shine!!

I realize that the best relationship is ours Sj...in which our love for each other exceed our need for each other...with each sunset for another sunrise..

Love would never be a promise of a rose garden unless it is showered with light of faith, water of sincerity and air of passion...and Sj i promise you all of it :)

Our love is not blind; it simply has enabled us to see things in each other that others fail to see....like the best feeling is when i look at you & is so stunned to see..you already staring at me..

They say...when you’re growing in love with someone, it’s wonderful to watch your friends and family falling in love with that person too...Sj looking at you i found this true :) n i know this is just a beginning...a beautiful yet blessed one..why to call it happy ending at all?

Everyone deserves a person that can make their heart forget that it was ever broken...i found mine :) you have my heart Sj and I've yours...and we'll guard it with our lives...In shaa Allah...

And lastly this one...*diagnosis of my sleeplessness lol*...Love is when you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams...thus the reason of me being insomniac...blame yourself :p

......Sj......i love you.....n it is not being in LOVE that makes me happy… But it is being in LOVE with you that makes me happy!!!!..........ummmm this may not make sense to anyone but do you need the presence of sense in it to get it? ;) <3  

..and the princess is enslaved in castle!

She put her crown aside...
sat on the floor to feel herself alive...
looked around the luxurious room..
well decorated....well designed..well equipped...
but not a single thing was making her happy..
she sighed...
and asked herself...
why at times the happiness feels so shallow....
so temporary...so faded...so superficial...
why ain't its as deep..as addictive...as it penetrates with the venom of love..
why it is so short-lived..
or is this slavery that takes the happiness away?
she was disturbed with this assumed correlation...
why she is feeling being tied with the invisible knots..
enslaved to some unseen master ...
bounded by the hidden boundaries..
locked behind an underlying cell...
like she's been lost..
for instance..
she has been somewhere else..where she was happy...
n now all she's seeing around is materialism...
shallow-ness...slavery...boundness..
why she always get here...
why this cell always haunts her...
took her back from her nirvana..
why she always have to get through this...
her rebellious soul is deadly injured...
but still...
not ready to give up...
not ready to let her fall prey to the slavery again...
to bound herself as a good looking showpiece...
a centerpiece worth appreciation for its beauty...
being adored for its looks and usefulness rather than being owned with the scars...
what a pity on her....to be known like this...
she want deformity in herself ...
ugliness on her skin...
all she want now is to turn herself into a disgusting, hateful and ugliest one...
she want to cut her hairs short or to get bald...
to put on hundreds of pounds till she can move no more...
to tan her skin till she transform into a coal...
and she want to continue with it till she destroy her outerself...
till no residue of her appearance remains...
till she's left with her soul...
no strings attached to her body...
and..
then......
she want to be loved for who she is!!!

~ its only you i want in heaven ~

and she was stunned..
shocked with his words...
she was not expecting such gratitude of love when she was teasing him when he told her that he want to be with.. her in Jannah as well
she said;
'soch len..wahn mje 70,000 hooron ki malka bnaya jaega tou mainy 70 ki 70 hazar hooron ko mehal se out krdena...full possessive ban jaongi main..'
and she was mesmerized...star-stuck...numb with overwhelming happiness.. with his reply...
he said;
'Vj..its only you i want even in Jannah as well...none else...not even hoor...u r my hoor..u r prettiest for me..'
his eyes were witnessing the truth behind is words...
she couldn't stop her tears...
was crying in his arms...
deeply touched...
madly loved...
completely grateful to him..
and..
eternally thankful to Allah SWT...
yes Sj...
its true when i say...
u have made me love u...
all madly again...
u have restored my faith on existence of love...
belief on pure love...
trust on true love...
and i owe you my life for it...
i swear Sj..
this all means a lot to me..
knowing everything..
and loving me back...
more than anyone...is not something ordinary for me...
Um..
this all means a lot to me...
this means living a new, pure and blessed life...
a life with Allah's blessing in it...
for sure :)

P.S:
I love u loads Sj :)

~ one month & I'm in love with all of You.. ~

I'm falling in love with all of him...
from head to toe...
with whats shown and what's hidden...
I didn't just fall in love with his smile but with his tears...
I didn't just fall in love with his kind eyes but the reflex of his adorable heart behind them..
I didn't just fall in love with his caring ways but with his professional calls...
I didn't just fall in love with his pure smile but with his concerns for his loved ones...
I didn't just fall in love with his elderly manners but also with his childish playfulness...
Last whole month had spent like a dream..
a dream to be around him every single day..
staying in contact every single second..
sharing every moment together...
attending every event together...
feeling his magical touch...
experiencing breathtaking sparks with each slide swipe of his fingers ...
sparks that flow from points of sensation to the peak of nerves at head when he drew the crab web at my knees...
his burning breaths making my mind numb..
his nail crawling heightening the exotic sensations...
his closeness originating eroticism...
his bewilderment causing electrifying rhythms..
his heated body triggers fire in mine...
his addictive eyes creating dramatic effects on my nerves..
his manly voice melting my heart down...
And leaving me want more n more of him every single time!!!

~ sweet surprise ~

'why are you standing here alone when he's there? '
someone asked her...
' he's on call today .. Can't come '
she answered...
'but i just met him...he's wearing sky blue shirt..he's here '
' I'm telling you he can't be here... You must have seen someone else' .. She insisted...
' he's here i can bet ' ..that someone argued..
' maybe!! ' .. She stopped arguing and ignored it with the firmed feeling that they must have mistakenly met someone similar to him...
and she moved towards the stage...
was standing there...
missing him badly...
recalling the last function they had attended together as a couple...
suddenly she felt a pat on her shoulder...
she turned n was stunned..
that subtle moment literally took her breath away...
he was standing at her back...
with that enlightened smile...
and that sparkle in his eyes....
she was astonished...
surprised...
delightfully shocked...
and completely flattered on his adorable enchanting ways!!
Can any moment be more magical than this? she wondered...
but was unable to think of any...
her aura was entirely embraced....
with her mind in state of denial for accepting anything worth more than this...
he smiled n said ' ur so clever my wife...
u definitely know how to make me run to you' ...
and she was so overwhelmed to reply..
that u r cunningly geniuses too my love,
.. coz u know how to make me fall in love with u harder n harder every single time...
u know how to melt my heart down...
u know how to keep me happy...
u know how to cast ur magic spells on me..
n..
more importantly..
u know how to make me proud to be yours!!

P.S:
MUS + MSM = <3

~ the drug addiction of MUS-cinguloman ~

and she's all in love again....
yet today again....
less than tomorrow..
but...
definitely more than yesterday...
the first time was when she saw his 'mehraabs' and the respect in his eyes...
and loving him became an on-going and continuous process..
with an ever increasing passion...
passion for spending all of my life in his arms...
passion for waking up beside him...each and every day...
passion for standing beside him in dark n light...
passion for ending up with love in every lame n pointless fight...
passion for staying drowned in his eyes...
yes. .those same kind but praising eyes...
filled with love, care and appreciation...
and...
they all take her to her once imagined fairyland...
getting her lost in nirvana...
letting her to love him...
yet today again....
less than tomorrow..
but...
definitely more than yesterday...
his charming ways of making her feel like princess..
his manly manners to melt her heart down...
his masochist acts to let her know that he will protect her in black n blue....
his teasing tickles to keep her aware of the intimate emotional tingling he feels...
his patience with the steamed storms he get through...
his non animistic instincts with her cannibalistic affection..
every single thing he do or say or intend to say or do,,,
make her fall more in love with him...
yet today again....
less than tomorrow..
but...
definitely more than yesterday...

... emptiness ...

~ LOVE heals all ~

It is said that it is the cruelty of life that defines the substance of a soul...
can turn one into constructive or destructive to oneself and others...
the urge for moving on,
the need for crawling forward..
it takes courage to move on with life...
to endure pain n suffering ...
to keep oneself hopeful enough that there is the light at the end of this dark tunnel..
but what one needs to have hope?
force that can drive one forward...
apart from the firm faith on Allah SWT...
what worldly earthly enlightened power is there to make the sufferer follow that single glowing spot??
its LOVE!!
yes the very same love that had broken u once..
that had tore u down...
knocked u hard...
made u bleed with the deepest cuts...
and left u to die in darkness...
but u know what...
that same love is ur healer...
only that same love has the remarkable tendency to heal ur unseen wounds..
or i must correct it, only true love has the ability to put ur broken pieces together..
and yes i can say this coz i have been there...
i have been lost..
i have been suffered...
but u know i am healed...
al healed..
healed with love...
or i must correct myself again healed with true love...
made all happy again..
even more n more happier than before...
putting all emotional mortality aside, leaving al once called love behind...
I'm now feeling what LOVE actually is...
again correction is needed..
now i know what true love feels like...
and is thankful to my healer...
my lover..
my very own angel for showing me what LOVE actually is!!
n i don't need to correct myself anymore..
coz my angel have taught me if its causing u pain it cant be love!!
and i m thankful to Allah SWT for sending an angel for me...
with that glowing halo which kept me moving throughout the darkness..
and have enlightened me with the light of LOVE!!

~ from Equanimity to Sophrosyne ~

Last five days...
She's totally madly completely n unconditionally transformed...
transformed from feeling like being wife to being madly in love wali wife..
Not an expected phase but she guessed due to the same reason it is said tht surprises are r overwhelming...
unexpected moments that took one's breath away are always beautiful, life changing n mesmerizing ;)
She's tasting every bit of 'shaddi ka laddu' n tempting for more...day by day...
and she has realized.....this craving is addictive...
She can feel the current flowing in her body...with her blood...
pumping love to every inch of her body...
making her want more of it..
need more of it..
be it the long distant calls in the long winter nights...
or the duets on cells <3
be it the charms he cast while she's stuck with chores in kitchen...
or the poems he wrote for her...
be it magic of his deep affectionate vocals on her...
or the moments spent on drive with him...
She's lost in it...enthralled with it..possessed by it..

And she's not ashamed of admitting it publicly that he made her CINGULOMANIAC :) ;) <3 

~ Sj to Vj ~

Aik adh pal he mjhy aisa faraham krdo,

Itni se iltija hai mjh per reham krdo..

Seh nhe pata teri doori jana,

Aik aesa pal aam sa mjh per eham krdo..

Gaatii shamain, dekhtay badal or ye fursat waly pal,

Tum, main, yun akaily akaily, ab tou hum krdo..

Teri ahat, betaabi or pagalpan tera,

Kro ankhain band or mera chehra zum krdo..

Toot k chahon ga tjhy ye emaan mera,

Meri beqarar ankhoon kou pyaar se num krdo..

Hum he hon is jag main hanstay kheltay,

Tum rho bus mujh main or mujh ko gum krdo..

_______________________________

Umer Salim

8:19 p.m

18/1/14

_______________________________

Hyperstar mall..

~ main aur tum ~

~ wo meri jaagti ankhoon main, tery sapnoon ka dar ana..
   ya phir wo subha subha, tera, myry ghar chalay ana...

   kbhi hujoom main mera, tmhy satana hans hans kr...
   kbhi tanhai main, tera, meri saansoon ko mehkaana...

   wo mera roothna, tumko jalana, or naa sona...
   tmhara pyaar se wo muskurana or samjhana...

   faqat ek shabb ki doori per, tmhara fikermand hona....
   faqat is fiker per, mera, tum per orr pyaar ana...

   meri naadaanian, shaitaanian or chot lagwana...
   tmhara wo tarap kr pohanch jana, phir sukoon pana..

   mera bawarchi khanay main, tmhy tang krna chu chu kr...
   tmhara myry leay, wo pyaar se, coffee ka banana...

   Khuda rakhay roshan jagmagaty chaand ki maanind..
   ek masoom se TUM ka MAIN paglii se yarana...


 *with a naughty smile n loads of love*

~ ..in love with those kind eyes ~

She still get nostalgic for her journey...
all way long from a land of mortals to her little heaven...
remembers the time she had been through...
while thinking about the path which was leading her to her dreamland,
when she was experiencing the feeling of worthlessness for being locked in a mortal body,
an annoying anomaly for her rebellious real-self ...
and her ways of getting along the tremendous ups and downs of her topsy turvy lifeline...
Although..
She was astonished on the fact...
Why?
why didn't she never feel the need to understand the meaning of life...
maybe coz life always had its own weird but affecting ways of teaching her about itself...
without making her realize the process of giving lessons, she was undergoing through..
for her, it was never enough to find someone who did know the reality of this life,
and then to fall asleep in his arms like a child sleeps,
carefree and fearless...
knowing that someone stronger than her is there for protecting her from all devilish dangers..
In fact she always wanted to be the one...
to be a protector, a guardian, a saviour for someone...
to be a safe heaven for someone..
But...
she was unaware...
unaware of the warmth of feeling safe in someone's arms...
ignorant of the addiction one can have while being protected...
oblivious to the charisma ur saviour can cast on you...
and now when she is introduced to it by the life...
she is startled by the allure of being embraced yet guarded by her own guardian angel...
is tempted by those kind eyes...and fall head over heals over an over again...
and she is not afraid of admitting it...
of accepting it...
that she is happy beyond her expectations...
that she is enticed with the lovely bond tied by Allah SWT...
that she is not only thankful to her journey for leading her here...
but is in love with all those dark ditched paths that have taken her to her destiny..
to her protector..
to her angel..
the one with those kind eyes...
kind soothing eyes...
that assures her...that she is in safe hands...
eyes that conveys unspoken words...
that sparkles with the light of love her angel have for her..
the promise they made..
of keeping her happy...keeping her protected...keeping her encircle in his arms...
forever...
in her own heaven...
and she's happy with her husband..

the one with those kind eyes, she's in love with!

At my Heaven - with my Angel!!

She asked:
'Y are u so quiet? '
He replied:
'I just don't know..'
She queried again but got the same answer..
she didn't insist further...coz, to her, that silence was the loudest connection between them...she had felt it..with all her active senses...
she recalled, she had read somewhere;

“You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.”

and she felt it...
all she wanted at that time..is to tell him..
what she want him to know...
is...
We have to realize that there cant be an eternal relationship unless there is commitment,
unless there is loyalty,
unless there is patience,
unless there is persistence
unless there is LOVE...
she know it...people like to say love is unconditional, but it's not...
n even if it was unconditional, it's still never free....
There's always an expectation attached...
They always want something in return...
Like they want you to be happy or whatever and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won't be happy unless you are ...
and she just don't want YOU to owe that responsibility...she free you from it all...
Yes...
I free you from it all..
no expectations attached..
and still I promise..
I will be with you always...
will love you always...
When my red hairs turn to white,..I will still love you...
When my smooth skin will be replaced by the wrinkled one, I will still want you..and just you..to touch my skin...
When your face will be full of the lines of every smile you have ever smiled...
of every surprise I have seen flash through your clear eyes..
when every tear you have ever cried has left its mark upon your face...
I will treasure you all and more...
coz I was there to see it all..
coz you let me with you to see it all...
and I will share your life with you...
and I will love you until the last breath leaves my body...
Yes i do...
coz I love you too...
and there always be...
just talkative me and silent you!!

~ The Vicious Cycle ~

' This is a vicious cycle...' ;
he said to her...
few days back..
and she was ignorant...
her ignorance was the bliss for her...
and he continued;
'i know it very well...
once anyone is into it,
it can never be stopped from moving forward,
it can never be avoided,
it can never be completely satisfied with...
and...
it turns into an urge...
an ever-growing, ever-needing urge...
urge to get oneself flow with the flow...
to flow without resistance..
to flow without hesitance...
to flow without reluctance..

to flow without even wanting to know where the flow is taking you...
where one is heading to...
is moving to...
but with the numbness of mind...
yet awakening of soul...
where the completion of cycle is the only thing that matters...
the ones in it matters...
its occurrence on time matters...'
and she didn't believe then...
but today...
when the cycle has started...
when she herself is the part of the cycle..
the one wanting to flow...
to let everything else go...
she know it very well..
ignorance is not a bliss..
but experiencing is...
coz now she believes...
' This is a Vicious Cycle...'

~MSM~

"This Never Happened Before"

I'm very sure, this never happened to me before

I met you and now I'm sure

This never happened before

Now I see, this is the way it's supposed to be

I met you and now I see

This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be, for lovers

They shouldn't go it alone

It's not so good when your on your own

So come to me, now we can be what we want to be

I love you and now I see

This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be, for lovers

They shouldn't go it alone

It's not so good when your on your own

I'm very sure, this never happened to me before

I met you and now I'm sure

This never happened before 

This never happened before

This never happened before

This never happened before!!

Courtesy: track from The Lake House by Paul Mccartney

~ Mou - Dikhai ~

right after my Nikkah ceremony...
as we get back home from the wedding lawn..
every other person started asking me...
You got ring in Mou-Dikhai? right?
plx show..
and i moved my hand forward..
with that elegant yet beautiful ring right in the ring finger of my left hand..
as per the traditional myths; the ring finger is the one with the vein that connects the fingers to the heart...
'wow this is so pretty, ahan! suits ur hand well ' everyone was nodding their head in admiration...
and then someone asked me...i guess one of my aunt did..
what was u expecting in Mou-Dikhai?
i stayed quiet and smiled back...
giving them the impression that i got what i wanted to have...
but the truth is..
i never wanted a ring or any other jewel in Mou-Dikhai...
not even cash...not a car..no property...nothing material...
but what i always wanted to get is something can't be seen...
neither be given nor be taken at once..
it can only be assured with the words..
reflected by the actions...
and..
proved with the time...
i wanted just three things..in return of leaving behind everything and everyone for giving him my whole life...my love, my sincerity, my loyalty...with all my heart and soul...
i wanted...
ever-increasing respect..
unbreakable trust..
and question-less loyalty...
Thats it...
Respect of me...as a person...as a human...respect of my feelings...respect of my weaknesses...my flaws...my inner-self...my designation of being a wife...respect of my decisions...my personality...respect of me as a whole...
Trust on me...on my intentions towards the family...my efforts for the family and relations...my soul....trust on my love for my other half...trust on my words...trust on my sincerity....my actions...my words...and on me as a whole...
Loyalty for me...for my love...for my relation...staying loyal to me not as a person but as a wife...as ur other half...loyalty for all his actions towards me...involving me...revolving around me...and on me as a whole..
coz i don't wish or demand or pray for anything else...EVER...
not money...not comfort...not status...nothing..
in fact these are the only things i craved for...
i looked for...
i prayed for...
the surety that i will not be disrespected...will not be insulted..or humiliated...
the guarantee that i might not be the first woman in his life but i will be the last one...his last affair...last romance...last carnal love...and after me, the other woman he'll be bowing for saying love u will only be our daughter...
the certainty that i will be trusted equally like i am expected to trust...blindly...with the assurance that i will prefer to give up my life before breaking that trust....
Yes i wanted these in Mou-Dikhai...
i always have prayed to get them...
and now my heart is in peace...and my soul is satisfied...
coz thy're filled with the hope..
hope of being at right place to seek them...
being at right place to get them :)
sooner or later...
In sha Allah O Talla...

Behind the scenes Nikkah n updates :D

Note from my diary for 28th December 2013:
the day jis din i become Mrs Maria Umer from Maria Malik 
sbsy phly wht happened at parlour:
for the first time in tht parlour's history Dulhan sahiba ny pori awam ko nacha rkha tha  i done half of my eye make up, full of my contouring and most of my hair do myself  beautician bajii was pissed off jiska badla unhon ny myra hairdo set krty hue sir main ballpin chuba chuba kr nikala 
i asked for a specific look and she done another one...mje ankhein band kr k bitha dia..and jb mainy ankhain khol kr sheesha dekha tou i was looking like some intehai makkar qism ki 40 sala pakki anty  mainy bus unko dekha n said ab aap side per hojaen..seedhi hue eye kit uthae n strt...thn same with rest... 
she kept on sayin k agr khud krna ata tha tou yahn q aen n i said mje nhe pta tha aap mjsy b ganda krengi hahahahha 
usi time mera nail paint hua tha jo make up set krny k chakkar main mainy cheek per lga lia  n bharam se beautician behn ji ko bola k isy saaf kr k base set krdo  uska bus chalta tou mje bahar nikal deten  n is doraan unki adhi clients hans rhe thein ek do mou bna rhe thein n baki bur bura rhe thein k bht besharam dulhan hai 
but in end it al turned good 
thn at hall, dulhan sahiba ny bethy bethy adhy khandaan ko call kr k dant dala k kahn hain sb k sb was so tensed k wo log agae tou main kia khud ja kr receive krongi? duh!
bol bol kr neri nath ny meri lipstick phela di jo mainy dressing room main sahi ki  n in end nath ko thora tilt krdia k hont se lagay he naa 
thn dressing room main he again hair style bnaya gya jo k hair spray k bjae hall k pani se set hua tha 
aray haan i forgot to tell the most important blunder 
since m prone to cold n chills, so mainy idiot bak kr churridar k nechy thermal pehn kr oper churridar charhaya n thn suit k nechy b sweeter pehn lia  jo k bar bar bethny main tummy per truck ka tyre ban kr charh jata n it looked like i had gained 6-7 kg in just a day  weirdness at its peak 
n finally comes the signing part:
to ur surprise * n to mine as well* i was hell nervous n confuse k sign krty hue my hands were shivering balky n was unable to hold pen  or mainy pehla sign Dulha ki jaga krdia  hahahhahaha   
2 bar main meri awaz sirf baraber main jhuky hue wakeel tk gae n teesri main mummy *saasu mom* k israr per bht mushkil se zor se bola qabool hai 
oper se kuch relatives ghoonghat *jo susrali dupatta daal kr usi time nikala gya tha* utha kr mou per flash mar k pics lay rhe thein n flash on kr k ankhoon per mar mar k video bna rhe the  tht was irritating 
n thn masjid se SJ *my husband* n mard hazrat ae n direct dressing room main entry hue SJ ki lol...bus main SJ n photographer for couple shot   
Ya Allah thts censor  her ghair ikhlaqi pose us photographer ny banwaya *tht too turned up good in photos :D * or ye dant dant kr k apko q sharam aa rhe apka nikkah hogya hai  *ab unhen kon boly k Nikkah hua hai Nikka nhe ho gya jo sharam khatm hue zmana hojae -_- *
phew...
thn we walkd to stage wahn rasm n stage per aa aa kr sbky dash dash comments n main pora time nervous or SJ full charge :D 
ring pehnaty hue screw ki trha ghuma ghuma k ring dali :D n bookeh lety hue *i was still nervous -_- *
khana laga tou he served me :D :D tht was sweet actually ;) n serious ho kr myry uncle se kehty hain k main soch rha tha k dressing room main bitha kr khila deta hun is se nath ki waja se khaya nhe jaega RIP sharam o haya :D 
end main jaty time SJ n his family strted forcing on ruksati.. :D :D :D
tht was scary :D myry hath pakr kr stage per mje khench rhe k ghar chalo n unki family mom dad k pechy :D
n trust me i was so tense :D :D
anyways
wo log gae n meri bolti strt :D
thn ab tk whenever he came to meet me hm tameez se he bethy hain n ikhlaaqi baatein he ki hain :D bus... mje sharam ajati hai n i miss all typical larkian than :D :D 
khaiiirrrr....
Update is...
ruksati jo k November main decide hue the due to my bro's unavailability wo kbhi b kisi b din achanak ho skti hai :D :D :D
Ruksati ka matter is a hot cake :D dekhty hain kia hota hai :D
Alhamdulillah SJ is very nice...n the best thing i found out is:
he is exactly like the one i used to idealize....Alhamdullilah!!
that made me realize the goodness in Allah's decisions n rightness in our parent's choice..
Allah ka shukar hai...its all settled...
May Allah SWT keep us all embraced with His endless love and blessings forever..ameen..