~ momentous evolutions ~

moments...
good or bad..
at times they leave a deeper impact on us...
leave us weak, numb, blank, shocked and lost behind..
so does she was...
weak for being unable to bear it with courage and pride...
numb as she didn't know how to react...or it was like a pain shock-wave that took all her senses away...
blank in a sense that her mind start triggering endless thoughts...things...all variates with each other in a subtle manner...she didn't know what to say...got stuck with making one single decision regarding which one is necessary to express and which is better left unsaid...
and...
shocked on the way she ignored the ongoing protest by her body...those tears...rolling down her cheek...shortening of breath...that feeling of suffocation...that fastening  pace of her pumping heart...making her sweat like she's been running hard and fast for miles...since ages...
lost on the fact that she actually had accepted that helplessness...
helplessness in the way her tongue got glued..like its been immobile forever...like it never ever have uttered a single word...
helplessness with the stinging feeling in her body...like someone have knocked you down over the bed of sharp pointed thorns..
helplessness for being so bound...bound by the unseen chains of wisdom, peace, respect and compromise...
oh this clever compromise thing...
i've been wrong...wrong with underestimating the ones who claim this new phase of life as a second name of compromise...
with sinking feeling...lost mind...and devastated heart..i accept this...
i am shown to the essence of wholesomeness of this...
another name of compromise...
it indeed is...
or was it possible that i'm listening something about him and unable to defend or protect...never!
i've never ever allowed anyone to surpass that barrier..regardless of my tolerance for things beyond it..
and i've again surprised myself...
she recalled the day of her first unpredictable reaction infront of her childhood love...when she stood for other half of her soul...
for her it was more about owning her half-soul with that defending thing...she remember the way she made it clear that in no possible way she's gonna allow anyone to say or improvise anything about him...that was the first time she had taken stand for her half-soul against her childhood love...
she can never forget that face...the expressions on it...those elderly eyes filled with love and tears for her...surrendering to her emotional side of personality...making commitment and accepting it with love and pride...
and then its now...
now when she's just unable to look in mirror...afraid of looking back at herself...
like she has done an irreparable damage to herself...
how come she can be so unjust with it?
why can't she have taken stand for her childhood love in that exact manner that she had done against him?
and that moment is far gone...but..left her with taunting questions and riots in her soul...
all she's trying to do now, is to assure herself..it has not happened...trying to forget it like some nightmare...
she said to herself...this in not me...as she barely can recognize her...
and she know this is not her...or maybe she's not same anymore!

~ my destined soulmate ~

I never believed in the idea of soul mates...
falling in love with someone at their first sight...
the sight of one that can make you go ga ga..
make ur heart skipping the beats...
lighten sparkles in ur eyes..
give you butterflies in stomach...
swift you off your feet and leaves you breathless...
for me this never does exist...
and then i met someone...
and started believing in it...felt like whats being in love is like...but it all ended up in smoke..leaving me behind with pain, burns, hurt and deep cuts...i was closed again...with all the broken pieces of my heart guarded by walls and my injured soul hidden beneath the sheaths of pain....
i stopped believing in the existence of soul-mates...coz for me soulmate became the one who leave ur soul dead...
but then...my destiny brought u in my life...with those kind healing eyes...a true reflection of ur pure soul...
one able to look into mine and make everything right...
and see here i am...
I am beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who is exactly that heal-fully magical for you...ur actual, real n destined soulmate..
not because they're perfect, or because u are...
but because ur combined flaws and pieces u lack..get arrange in a way that allow two separate beings to hinge together...for forever...
this whole is making sense to me now...
its you making me understand it..
and everytime i see u..i fall in love with u..
head over heels and all over again...madly and unconditionally..
u glitter my eyes with the shine...the reflection of ur love...
u make my heart beat faster than ever,,,
make me feel like i'm flying or floating...but in no way possible my feet remains on ground...
all illusions, delusions, hallucinations, dreams, day dreams...they all have started to occur...
and this love is not blind...it can see...
the real u...
the one behind ur pure kind eyes...
ur soul...
and..
leaving me love u more...
the more i'm knowing u...the more i'm believing in authenticity of the concept behind existence of soulmate...
like...
like its giving me signals...
signals to accept that u are somehow getting connected to my soul..
and i believe now...
Allah have made us in pairs..
and the way my soul get paired with yours can totally and undoubtedly declares that...
you're my soulmate!

~ never fall prey to regret ~

Every other one want to believe that existence of endless love is possible...but only few know that love is rare...
similar to any myth..i.e. kinda unpredictable just like life..
when, where and in whome you find it..none knows..
It took turns that people couldn't foresee or even understand and end up with leaving a long trail of regret in its wake...
and nearly always, those regrets gave rise to numerous 'what if' questions that could never be answered...
coz you weren't just someone who was loved back then...in fact you might be their best friend, their best self, their reason for living..crucial like an oxygen to them..and they can't imagine giving that up ever...
but once you left and made a pet out of them..they might had suffocated...choked...nearly died on what you gave them..
you might not understand, but they had given you their best and after you left...if they somehow managed to survive..then be aware nothing will ever remain the same..
be aware love never dies a natural death...It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source..we don't know how to keep going in harmony...and the saddest part is...we don't even bother to take care of its loss..
It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals...it dies of illness and wounds we give each other other the period of time..it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings...but it dies coz of us..we brutally kill it..
in short, its sort of 'once gone, gone forever, phenomena..although people leave all the time...yet as per my understanding love is a lot more fragile than we actually think....
so one should treat their beloved in a way that leaves no regrets...
treat them with love..fairly, and if possible, sincerely...
It's too easy not to make the effort in time, then weep and wring your hands after the person left....and afterwards we start seeing our sins reflected everywhere: in the pallor of our intimates’ faces, in the scratching of tree branches against windows, in the strange movements of everyday objects...these may be messages from God or tricks of the eye, but in neither case are we permitted to ignore them..but to sink deep down in our sea of guilt...regretting for letting it happen...
regrets are futile...a distraction from everything you do to keep going with it... a cruel trickery of the mind to keep you sane to bear the pain..an impotent but consistent raging against something that cannot be changed in any possible way...yet one of the most difficult things to think about in life...
something that happened to you, and you had done the wrong thing in return,,,and for years afterward you wish you had done something different...something better...something that haven't left you where you are now......remember regrets are immortal..they never die unless you give ur life up...
still, the sun is as hot as the one who get over things...and still, life had a way of adding day to day...to make you realize in order to avoid repeating it...
so...go...
go on with life..
listen to ur heart...and never..i repeat.. never let urself fall prey to the haunt of regrets...
live to love...and you shall be saved by God from the pain..
i bet!!

~ Zindagi aur Muhabbat ~

thehry paanion ki trha khamooshi se chalti hue zindagi..
kbhi kbhi ek aesa mor leti hai k hum hairan reh jaty hain...
jesy mausam apni mizaaj badaly aur usi thehry hue pani main lehroon ki halchal hojae..
bilkul wesy he..ek unexpected...unpredicted sa turn..
jo hmny apny khuwab o khayal main bhi nhe socha hota...
aur hum us certain point per hairan ho kr sochty hain k..aray ye kia hogya..
andazay lganay lgty hain k ye jo bhi hua hai iska result kesa hoga...
or phir hazar andaishoon aur waswasoon main ghiray rehny k bawajood wo naya moor humain apna bana he dalta hai...
ek ek kr k her guzarty lamhy k sath her andaisha, khoof aur wehm kahen gum hony lgta hai...
zindagi ki khoobsurti per phir se yaqeen hony lgta hai...
her subha phir se naye zindagi ka aghaaz aur her raat saray dukhoon ka ikhtitaam lagta hai...
be sabab labon per muskaan se theher jati hai..
aur hawa ki sursarahat bhi jesy koi mouseeqi se sunany lgti hai...
bila waja he hum gungunany lgty hain...
ankhon main sitaray baseera kr lety hain...
hum khud se sawal krty hain k aesy bhi hoga kab kisny socha tha...
ujra hua dill phir se bahar ki amad ka pata denay lgta hai...
banjar jazboon per naye rutoon ki konpalain phootnay lgti hain..
kisi ki khushbu jesy saans k aas pass rehny lgti hai..
kisi ki chamakti ankhain kali se kali raat ko bhi roshan krny lgty hain...
jazbay lutata lehja kaanon main ras ghoolta hua dil main utarny lgta hai...
aur zindagi bhaar sath nibhany k waaday phir se usi bejaan wujood main ek naye zindagi bharny lgty hain...
usky atay he jesy her cheez pas e parda chali jati hai...
jesy spotlight party he baki sb andhairy main chup jata hai...
aur waqae background main violen bajnay lgta hai...
aur bus wohi ek insan apka sub kuch hojata hai...
hamdard...
saathi...
dost...
humsafar..
aur mohabbat!!

~.the yugenic razbliuto ~

Nothing more or less to write...
as..
nothing making sense...
nothing getting right...
yet...
nothing seems wrong..
The reminiscences of the elapsed happenings and the feeling of deja vu collectively casting its exorcism on her...
trying their best on conjuring the deadly fears by bringing back the sillage innervation...and made her go all lost...
and...defeated...once again!
her sadness that can be seen in her eyes behind the stars she put to light up the darkest, loneliest and scariest dreams...somewhat like a holocaust...or a never ending deadly black holes ..
like it is throwing the brick of fact on her face, where the bruises still hidden behind the happy go lucky mask...and making it more prone to bleed again..
with the acceptance of her pain...
that...over the period all her consistent attempts of fending them off are constantly ending in vain..
she had nothing to regret but the tacenda...
and for once she wish to revert it all...
in order to make it all right...
she wants to yell...to shout...to kill or get killed...but never to forgive....
and they said forgiveness made you light...she remembered reading it somewhere...
lie...its a lie...it can never made you light...
instead leave you burdened with all the pain and anger you decided to drown deep down in ur heart...
with the tingling prickling insane waves of pain...
knowing that the foundational brick once made to build home is now in use of sinking her body beneath the countless layers of the worldly earthly sea..
and all she can do now is an attempt...
to escape...
to ignore...
to overlook..
and to overcome...
will this work?
she don't know coz till now it haven't worked...
any other way out?
she wonders...pray?
yes i should pray...she know where to run to...to hide in...to seek peace at...
and she is again hopeful that one day she will be able to let go of all the fears..all the pain she keeps inside her...and that day she will be ready to believe in the existence of forever again!!

~ pictorial dedication for you ;) ~

~ you're with me... ~

she was hardly controlling her laugh...and shouting;

'nooooooooooooo'
he smiled and asked;
'why?'
'cozzzzz...i'm no more a slab of ice around you...and u know it'
she giggled..
'i know...so what'
his kind eyes had the spark...and she surrendered..she turned back to face him...
and there was nothing...
ohhhh..so i was day dreaming...
'umm hmm don't do this...this is affecting me'
she heard her own voice..
'argghh lemme work plxx'
she was stunned with the living illusion around her..
'hey...ur constantly distracting me...if you'll keep on doing this...how in the world will i be able to finish this hmm?'
his vision was so damn real...her scent...that heart melting gaze...everything was alive..
'plx just let me get done with this then i'll get back to you with all my concentration'
she insisted but he ignored it and keep on doing what he was indulged in...
her phone buzzed and again she realized it was his vision around her...
she looked around and found him everywhere...
on the gate...
in the kitchen...
resting his hand on the slab right in corner of kitchen..
sitting on bed wearing his shoes..
wandering aimlessly in sitting area while waiting for her to get ready...
waiting for her to be seated on dining table...
relaxing on sofa...
she is completely possessed by him...
label it with whatever tag...she's not bothered...
call it illusion, delusion, hallucination or vision...she's not concerned...
all she care for...crave for...is him..
all she's obsessed with..possessed with...is him...
he's with her...
beside her...
behind her...
around her..
in front of her...
here...there...everywhere..its him..
and she want him to be with her...
today and everyday!!!

~ Terror-stricken over Nightmares ~

Don't leave please....she was begging...
imploring him to let her stay with him...
she was holding the door...he was closing hard..
she held the door tightly with her fingers...
crying...
shivering...
the thought was making her furious...
was afraid of not being with him...
but...
he was a stone-heart...
all numb towards her pleading...
pushing the door hard...
grinding her fingers between the door and wall...
the fingers he used to praise...
and..
and he atrociously knocked her...
his barbarous acts were unfamiliar to her...
still she was somehow hopeful..
looking for his well known charming signs...
and they were no where...
she felt like a fish...a fish on land...with no water around..
tasting death...drop by drop...
asking her ruthless partner to save her...
and he closed the door...
now she can see the blood flowing out of her jarred fingers...
and before closing her eyes permanently..
all she remember was hearing his loud devilish shriek...
......
she woke up with the shock...
all sweating badly...
gasping...
her breath was shortened as she has been running long...chasing or being chased...she don't exactly know...
and she shouted...
'free me....free me from all these nightmares....free me...'
and let me happy for once and for all...
i'm happy...
don't snatch it from me...
'just free me! '

~ sphallolalia grâce à oneirataxia ~

its been two hours n i'm feeling as helpless as dumb..

completely alexithymiac...

i'm so lost...

lost in you...

lost the ability to duende...

to express..

how in the world will i ever be able to get over this feeling...

this phenomena of drinking your aura...drop by drop...

tasting ur persona...bite by bite...

but...

leaving my soul more thirsty...more hungry...more devastated...every single time...

this feeling...aaahhh....this cant be dressed with words...

its natural...blunt... n basic nakedness is its power...

power to cast spell...n leave one hypnotized..

and if i'm given the power to speak exactly how you make me feel.....i'm afraid i'll be taken as fabulist...

but this cannot change the truth....not at all...not even a fraction of it...

and all i want now is to lose my sanity to you...

want you to hold my hand and take me to a faraway land...

where we can have our happily ever after...

no more empty returns...no more detachments...no more bounded apart-ness..

does this make sense to anyone? i guess No...

do i care? obviously No...

all i know now is letting it all flowing out...

like a stream...

making its own...pattern-less way...to its destination..you!

....untitled....

Mohabbat Farz Jaisi Hai, Nibhaana Seekh Jaaoge..

Dilon Pe Qarz Jaisi Hai, Chukaana Seekh Jaaoge..

Labon Pe Phool Jaisi Hai, Khilaana Seekh Jaaoge..

Nazar Mein Aag Jaisi Hai, Lagaana Seekh Jaaoge..

Tum Tak Faasla Jo Hai, Mitaana Seekh Jaaoge..

Kabhi Jo Dil Mein Aa Beithe, Zamaana Bhool Jaaoge …!